


slow dancing in a burning room

by shahha



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 09:53:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11871855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shahha/pseuds/shahha
Summary: Ali and Ashlyn's seven year marriage is in jeopardy. Ali, owner and president of DC's largest event planning business works long hours and rarely makes time for Ashlyn or the kids anymore. If things don't change quickly, she's going to lose them.





	slow dancing in a burning room

**Author's Note:**

> So this is pretty angsty but [spoiler alert?] I promise there's a happy ending ;) It's based on the John Mayer song of the same title.

 

**I. we’re going down**

 

 

Ashlyn never thought her marriage would be like this. She never thought that Ali would work long hours nearly every day, leaving Ashlyn to deal with school and babysitter drop offs and pickups, dinner and bathtime, and weekend activities all by herself. She never thought that there would be a significant disconnect between her and her wife of seven years and yet here they are.

 

It wasn’t always like this.

 

The couple met in college as freshman year roommates who quickly turned into friends and then, just before Christmas break, girlfriends. Like any young couple, they had their fair share of growing pains but they always worked through them together and came out stronger than before.

 

This is different and Ashlyn isn’t sure if they’ll make it through this time.

 

She can pinpoint when and where things started going wrong. During Ali’s pregnancy with their third child, her mom got sick and passed away suddenly, leaving Ali as the owner and president of DC’s largest event planning business. Ali has been working at the company for her mom since graduating college with her business degree and was always going to take it over one day, though they always thought that day would come much, much later than it actually did.

 

Before Ali’s mom died, she and Ashlyn maintained the perfect balance of family and work. Their kids and their relationship were their biggest priorities but as soon as Ali’s mom died, things changed.

 

Ali’s mom passed just weeks before the birth of their third child, Gavin, making what should’ve been one of the happiest times of their lives one of the hardest. Unable to process her mom’s death before the baby came, Ali slipped into postpartum depression and threw herself into her work.

 

At first, Ashlyn was happy just to see Ali out of bed and functioning with the rest of the world. Compared to the three weeks she spent in bed after Gavin arrived, working long hours seemed like a vast improvement. The long hours and seven day work weeks were supposed to be temporary as Ali settled in as the new president of the company but as time has gone on, the hours have only gotten longer and her time with Ashlyn and the kids diminished. It’s been almost year now and Ashlyn can’t remember the last time they spent quality time together as a family.

 

Ashlyn feels like a single parent in all but name and there’s only so much more she can take.

 

One night, three hours after the kids have been put to bed and two hours after Ali arrived home from work, Ashlyn watches Ali typing on her laptop on the other side of the bed. “What’s so important?” Ashlyn questions.

 

“Just finishing an invoice for for this client,” Ali answers, not even bothering to look Ashlyn’s way.

 

“Can it wait?”

 

“Not really,” Ali says as she continues typing away. “They had to push the event up by a week so it needs to be done as quickly as possible.”

 

“Come on,” Ashlyn tries. She scoots closer to her wife and lightly trails her fingers over Ali’s hand as she types. “I miss you.”

 

Ali finally looks Ashlyn’s direction, a small smile on her face and for a moment, Ashlyn thinks her plan has worked and Ali will finish the invoice in the morning. “I miss you too but this is one of our biggest clients,” Ali says as she returns her attention to the screen in front of her.

 

Ashlyn’s face falls at Ali’s response but she presses ahead nevertheless. “I think it can wait until morning.”

 

“The sooner you stop bugging me the sooner I’ll be done.”

 

“Sorry to be such a bother,” Ashlyn mumbles. She moves back to her side of the bed and curls up facing away from Ali. Before, Ali would have known that her words stung and would’ve tried to make amends almost as soon as she said them but now, she continues working as Ashlyn falls asleep with over a foot of space in between them. The worst part of it all is that Ashlyn is so resigned to this being their new normal. A few months ago, she might have fought for Ali’s attention a little more or she might have left the room to sleep in the guest room to prove her point. Now? Now she simply rolls over and falls asleep.

 

Ali doesn’t know it yet but Ashlyn already has one foot out the door and unless things change very, very soon, their marriage will be damaged beyond repair.

 

* * *

 

**II. the one you always dreamed of**

 

Ali was Ashlyn’s dream woman.

 

Ashlyn went into her freshman year of college not knowing what to expect. It was her first time living away from home and since she didn’t know anyone else who chose the same school, she went in blind and met Ali for the first time on move-in day.

 

The first few weeks weren’t easy. Both girls were homesick for the family and friends they left behind in their hometowns. For a long time, Ashlyn even considered transferring to a school closer to home. They helped each other through the hard times and by the time Halloween rolled around, Ashlyn was well on her way to in love with Ali Krieger. The feelings must have been mutual because a week before they left for holiday break, Ali asked Ashlyn out on a date.

 

Ashlyn was floored. To start, the only people Ali ever brought back to the room were men so she had no idea that Ali was even interested in women (as it turned out, neither did Ali until she met Ashlyn) and even if she did somehow figure out that Ali liked women, she never would’ve thought that Ali would like her. Ashlyn knew that she was interested in women herself but wasn’t yet out to anyone back home and, in fact, the main reason why she chose a school so far away was so no one would know her and she could be her true self.

 

They figured themselves out together. Like any journey to self discovery and acceptance, it wasn’t easy and sometimes it seemed like there were more struggles than anything else. The struggles resulted in a five month breakup during their sophomore year, made more complicated by them being roommates in a house with two others (luckily, they thought ahead and got their own rooms instead of sharing like their freshman year).

 

They could never stay away.

 

After five long, hard months, they recommitted themselves to one another. It wasn’t the last of their problems, not by a longshot, but their relationship was stronger than before and they worked through their problems as a team rather than as opponents.

 

Ashlyn could not have dreamed up a better woman, a better partner. Ambitious and focused, Ali always knew that she would one day take over her mom’s company. Not only was it the family business, it was something she genuinely enjoyed and looked forward to doing. Ali’s passion and drive helped Ashlyn find her passion as well and when they graduated, they moved to DC together--Ali to start work at her mom’s company and Ashlyn to start grad school at George Washington for speech language pathology. Ashlyn graduated with her Master’s degree in May 2009, just months before their September wedding. They didn’t wait long to start their family and in November 2010, Rowan graced the world with her presence. While Ashlyn was blissed out with the arrival of their daughter, Ali struggled with the baby blues for the first few weeks after giving birth. Her symptoms cleared as her hormones returned to normal, though, and she joined Ashlyn in experiencing the joys of motherhood.

 

Parenting came easy to them. Ashlyn’s job as a speech pathologist allowed her to have a flexible schedule and although Ali’s job often required her to work weekends, they made the best of it by taking their days off during the week for family time.

 

Before her own mother died, Ali was supermom. Her job was fairly demanding but when she was with Ashlyn and Rowan (and, later, Everett), she was _with_ them and didn’t take work calls or emails. She knew everything about the girls and often anticipated their needs before they knew they needed anything. Together, she and Ashlyn read the girls bedtime stories every night of the week, sometimes sharing duties and sometimes listening and watching as the other took control. They were a team.

 

Even after Everett was born, the couple always made special time for each other. They were still very, very much in love and prioritized their relationship because they learned early on that if they prioritized their relationship, they were better and happier people and moms.

 

A perfect storm surrounded Gavin’s birth. With only a few months to prepare to lose her mom and then only two and a half weeks to process everything before Gavin arrived and a predisposition for postpartum depression, Ali was in a bad place. Most days, the only thing that got her up and out of the bed was her work and whenever Ashlyn begged her to get help, Ali was adamant that she was fine and that her work was proof.

 

Ali’s business continues to thrive and grow, blinding her to her marriage slowly burning to the ground.

 

Ali is no longer the woman Ashlyn fell in love with. She’s no longer the woman Ashlyn married and started a family with. The woman Ashlyn fell in love with was funny and kind and Ashlyn’s best friend. The woman Ashlyn married was attentive and passionate. The woman Ashlyn started a family with was the best mom who would never have put her career before her family.

 

Ali was Ashlyn’s dream woman. She knows the woman she fell in love with is still there somewhere but she's growing tired of battling for even just a few minutes of her wife’s attention.

 

The home they built in each other has slowly burned to the ground in the last year and recently, Ashlyn has felt like even their once solid foundation has started to crack and crumble.

 

* * *

 

**III. not a silly little moment**

 

In the morning, Ashlyn is shocked to find Ali still in bed. Saturdays are extremely busy for Ali and her company so she’s usually up and gone before the sun rises to help prepare whatever venues they’re working with for the day’s events. This morning, however, Ali is still sound asleep when Ashlyn wakes. Though she’s still annoyed about the previous night, Ashlyn forges ahead and cuddles closer to her wife. She watches her sleep for a few minutes, something she hasn’t had the pleasure of doing in nearly a year.

 

Just as Ali starts to stir, their oldest daughter, Rowan, comes through their bedroom door. “Mama, I’m hungry,” the six year old says. “Why is Mommy home?”

 

“I don’t know, baby,” Ashlyn answers. “She must not have an early event today.” She presses a gentle kiss to Ali’s shoulder before finally getting out of bed to get breakfast started. Rowan trots behind her, her tiny, loveable shadow. Rowan has always been a rather clingy kid and now that Ali is rarely home, she and Ashlyn are closer than ever.

 

As they pass by the kids’ bedrooms, Ashlyn peaks into Gavin’s room to find him awake and standing at his crib railing. “There’s my boy,” Ashlyn coos. She takes Gavin into her arms, bouncing the eleven month old a little as she crosses the room to change his diaper. “Ro, is your sister awake?” She asks, looking down at her oldest.

 

Rowan shrugs her shoulders. “I’ll go check,” she announces. She runs off in search of four year old Everett while Ashlyn finishes changing Gavin’s diaper.

 

With Gavin changed and ready to go, Ashlyn heads down to the kitchen to get breakfast started. She starts Gavin with a handful of cheerios and a sippy cup of milk in his high chair, gets a pot of coffee going, and gathers everything she’ll need to make cheesy scrambled eggs.

 

As she whips everything up so the eggs are nice and fluffy, Rowan and Everett finally make their way into the kitchen, both girls giggling about something.

 

“Morning, Evie,” Ashlyn greets. “Did you sleep well?”

 

Everett nods as Ashlyn crouches down to give her a good morning hug. “I dreamed you and Mommy switched clothes. It was so funny.”

 

“Come on, what’s so funny about that?” Ashlyn jokes.

 

“Mama, you were in a pink dress,” Everett explains. “And really tall shoes.”

 

“Oh, you’re right, that is really funny,” Ashlyn smiles. “Go sit at the table, okay? Breakfast is almost ready.”

 

“Is Mommy coming to my recital today?” Rowan asks and she and Everett take their spots at the table while Ashlyn finishes cooking.

 

Truthfully, even Ashlyn forgot that Rowan has a dance recital today and with Ali’s schedule, she’s almost positive she forgot as well. She can only hope that her wife can sneak away from whatever event she’s working today to be there for their daughter. “Uh, remember she said she was gonna come but let’s make sure she didn’t forget, okay? We’ll make sure to remind her.”

 

“Remind me about what?” Ali questions as she enters the room. She kisses each kid on the top of the head before making a beeline for the freshly brewed coffee.

 

“Her recital, silly goose,” Everett says.

 

“Fuck,” Ali mutters so quietly that only Ashlyn can hear. She pours her coffee and carries her steaming mug over to the kitchen table. “I’ll be there, baby, don’t worry.”

 

“You better be,” Ashlyn says. Her tone is light enough that the kids shouldn’t think anything of the words but she knows she got the message across to Ali. She knows better than anyone just how hurt Rowan will be if her mom doesn’t attend. Ashlyn might be all but resigned to their marriage failing but she’ll be damned if Ali breaks their daughter’s heart.

 

“Promise,” Ali says.

 

Ali doesn’t have long to eat before she has to leave so they have a shortened breakfast as a family which is at least a step considering Ashlyn can’t remember the last time it happened. Ali asks Rowan and Everett about first grade and pre-school, respectively, and Ashlyn half listens to the stories she heard days and weeks ago.

 

It should make Ashlyn happy. All she wants is for Ali to focus less on her job and more on the family again but, really, it just makes her angry and sad that Ali is hearing all these stories for the first time. She used to know everything about the girls but she’s been so focused on her job in the last year that she’s not quite caught up on the latest happenings.

 

As soon as Ali is done eating, she’s out the door to work on some big corporate event but not before a warning from Ashlyn. “Don’t forget the recital at four.”

 

“I won’t,” Ali promises. She hugs and kisses each kid before giving Ashlyn a kiss of her own. “I’ll meet you there.”

 

Ashlyn is used to wrangling three kids by herself so when it comes time to go, they’re only running five minutes late by the time they’re all in the car (which, with three kids six and under is as close to on time as it gets). She hasn’t heard from Ali yet so she drops Rowan off with her class backstage. “You’ll be amazing,” Ashlyn assures. “Mommy and I are so proud of you.”

 

“Is she here yet?”

 

Ashlyn shakes her head. She knows Rowan wanted to see Ali before going on stage but they waited as long as the could and now it’s time for her to get ready with the rest of her dance class. She wants her to focus on her upcoming performance, not if her mom is going to show up so she crouches down to Rowan’s level and puts her hands on her shoulders. “She’ll be here soon and we’re gonna cheer so loud for you.”

 

“Okay. Love you, Mama.”

 

“I love you too, Ro. Go out there and do your best and the rest of us will be watching.”

 

When she takes Everett and Gavin back out to the lobby to wait, there’s still no sign of Ali so Ashlyn decides to find seats and sets the diaper bag on one to save it for Ali.

 

By the time they're settled, they only have about ten minutes before the recital starts so Ashlyn doesn't have to keep Everett and Gavin entertained for long. She gives them each a snack and holds Gavin on her lap while Everett sits in the seat next to them.

 

When there's only five minutes until the recital, Ashlyn can't take it anymore and pulls out her phone.

 

_Still coming? Believe it or not, I don't feel like explaining to our daughter why her mom didn't show but that's just me._

 

Ali's response comes through almost instantly.

 

_On my way. Traffic is horrible. And please don't be like that. I’m trying my best to get there but I can't control the traffic._

 

Ashlyn rolls her eyes at the response and turns her attention to Everett who seems intent on eating all of her veggie straws at once. “One at a time, Evie,” Ashlyn warns.

 

Just minutes later, the recital starts without any sign of Ali. Luckily, the younger classes perform their routines first so Ashlyn, Everett, and Gavin sit through the three year olds then the four year olds alone before Ali shows up just as the five year olds are about to start their dance.

 

“Hey, did I miss it? Please tell me I didn’t miss it,” Ali whispers as the five year old’s music starts. She’s holding a bouquet a flowers in her hands and that, at least, makes Ashlyn smile.

 

Ashlyn is oh so tempted to tell Ali that she did miss it, to make her feel bad for being late but she’s here and she brought Rowan flowers (Ashlyn has a new stuffed animal in the diaper bag) and Ashlyn doesn’t really feel like playing games tonight. “No, but you couldn’t have cut it any closer. They’re up next.”

 

“Thank God,” Ali whispers. She carefully sets the flowers underneath her seat and reaches to take Gavin from Ashlyn’s arms, holding the boy on her own lap as they watch the five year olds dance.

 

All throughout the short routine, Ashlyn glances towards Ali and Gavin. For a moment, it feels like everything is normal. Ali holds the baby in her arms and watches the stage intently as the entire family waits for a glimpse of Rowan. Everything is as it should be and it pains Ashlyn that even as recently as five minutes ago, she was convinced Ali wouldn’t show.

 

It’s a few weeks before Valentine’s Day so all of the costumes are adorably Valentine’s themed. Rowan’s class is in matching white baseball tees with red sleeves and a glittery red heart on the front paired with black leggings. Ali hasn’t seen Rowan in her outfit yet so when the six year olds take the stage, she coos at how cute their daughter looks as Ashlyn readies her phone to record the dance.

 

“You have no idea how many different Target stores we had to visit to find that shirt in her size,” Ashlyn says. Many of the trips blend together but she estimates that she searched six different locations before finally giving up on the quest and ordering online with express shipping.

 

“Let’s go Ro,” Ali cheers as the girls take their places.

 

Ashlyn watches as Rowan hears Ali’s voice and scans the small audience for her mom, finally spotting the family and lighting up like a Christmas tree at the sight of Ali. Her smile never fades throughout the two minute routine and there’s an extra pep in her step and Ashlyn knows exactly who Rowan is performing for. She’s not performing for herself or her classmates or her dance teacher. She’s not performing for Ashlyn (who knows the routine by heart after watching her practice so many times) or for her younger siblings. She’s performing for her mommy.

 

There are three more routines after Rowan’s and when it’s all over, all the dancers gather on stage for a final bow and cheers from parents, grandparents, and siblings before they climb down the stairs at the front of the stage to find their families. When Rowan makes it to their row, Ali is the first one she hugs.

 

“My little dance superstar,” Ali says, crouching down to hug Rowan at her level.

 

“Did you see me, Mommy? I was so good.”

 

“I did see,” Ali grins. “You were the best one on that stage.”

 

When Rowan is done hugging Ali, she moves to Ashlyn. “I remembered all my steps just like you told me I would.”

 

“See? I knew you would remember them,” Ashlyn smiles. “I am so, so proud of you.”

 

As Rowan hugs her siblings, Ashlyn reaches into the diaper bag for the new teddy bear in the dance costume she got for Rowan while Ali reaches under her seat for the flowers. They give them to Rowan together who smiles at them with her smile that matches Ali’s as she takes the bear and the large bouquet into her arms. “Can we get ice cream?”

 

“After we have dinner,” Ashlyn promises. Gavin seems to be trying to make an escape by crawling down the carpeted aisle towards the stage so she scoops him into her arms before he can get too far.

 

“Can I ride with Mommy?” Rowan asks.

 

“Me too, me too,” Everett calls.

 

“You can ride with me,” Ali promises. “Where do you want to eat, Ro?”

 

Rowan thinks for a moment but Ashlyn knows what she’s going to pick before she says anything. Unsurprisingly, she settles on Silver Diner so Ali and Ashlyn agree to meet at the one near their home in Arlington. Ali and the girls arrive before Ashlyn and Gavin and as they get out of their cars and walk into the restaurant as a family, Ashlyn can see just how thrilled Rowan is to be at her favorite restaurant with her entire family. As they walk on the sidewalk, the six year old leads the way and skips inside, prompting Everett to follow her lead and skip right behind her big sister.

 

Ashlyn holds Gavin on her hip and slips her hand into Ali’s as they trail closely behind the girls. “I’m glad you made it but I think we need to talk later,” she says. She enjoys this time together as a family and she knows that if they don’t talk about things soon, they’ll never be able to fix things. Nights like tonight remind Ashlyn that this is how things should be and she’s going to fight like hell to preserve their family while there’s still a chance.

 

“Yeah, okay,” Ali agrees.

 

Once inside and seated, they order spaghetti for Gavin while Everett orders the kid’s portion of teriyaki chicken (adorably mispronouncing teriyaki even after Ali and Ashlyn tell her how to pronounce it four times before the waiter comes) and Rowan, their pickiest eater, orders a grilled cheese.

 

For dessert, they order a brownie decadence and a silver diner sundae for everyone to split and by the time they’re done, all three kids are covered in chocolate and in desperate need of a bath. It’s been so long since Ali helped with bathtime that she mistakenly assumes that Rowan will still bathe with her younger siblings but as the six year old puts it, she’s a big kid now and doesn’t take baths with little kids.

 

“Oh, my mistake, little princess,” Ali teases. “How about you go first but hurry up so we can get your brother and sister in too.” When Ali turns to Ashlyn, she looks dejected and truthfully, Ashlyn hopes that this helps her see just how much she misses by working so much. If Ali was home more, she’d know that Rowan hasn’t wanted to bathe with her brother and sister in months. As Rowan has told Ashlyn many times, five year olds bathe with their younger brother and sister. Six year olds do not. “She’s so independent,” Ali marvels.

 

“Yeah, she’s growing up fast. They all are.” For now, Ashlyn leaves it at that because if they go any deeper, she’ll say everything she needs to say and she wants to wait until the kids are in bed before she unloads. To her surprise, Ali covers bathtime for Everett and Gavin and even insists on getting all three kids to bed herself.

 

For once, it’s Ali who comes to bed with a soaking wet t-shirt because of Gavin’s splashing. For once, it’s Ali who experiences just how difficult it is to wrangle three kids into bed. When Ali finally comes to bed, Ashlyn has had a lot of time to mull over what she wants to say and as Ali collapses into bed, exhausted after getting the kids to bed, Ashlyn almost feels bad about the conversation they’re about to have.

 

“I’m kind of pissed at you,” Ashlyn starts.

 

Ali looks at her like she has two heads. “What? Why?”

 

“You almost missed our daughter’s recital.”

 

“I didn’t, though. I was there, remember?”

 

“Oh, I remember. I remember how she lit up when she saw you because she was convinced you weren’t gonna come. The whole ride there, she kept asking if you were coming and even when I dropped her off, she didn’t seem too convinced. That’s not okay, Ali.”

 

“It was just a dance recital and, anyway, I made it in time.”

 

Ashlyn takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself so they can have a productive conversation. “Do you hear yourself? ‘Just a dance recital’? To you it might have been just a recital but Ro has been working really, really hard and if you didn’t work so much, you would know just how excited she was for it. What would’ve happened if you didn’t make it? Our daughter would’ve been heartbroken and guess who would be the one to pick up the pieces. Me, that’s who. Ali, we can’t keep going on like this.”

 

“Going on like what?”

 

Ashlyn rolls her eyes. “You know like what.” She runs a hand through her hair, choosing her next words carefully. “What’s going on with you? Because the woman I married always put her family before work and now we hardly ever see you. God, the baby hardly even knows who you are because you’re usually out of the house before he wakes up and home after he goes to bed.”

 

Ashlyn can see how her words sting. Ali scoots away from her and doesn’t make eye contact. “Running a company is a lot of work,” she offers.

 

“So is working as a speech pathologist and raising three kids mostly by myself,” Ashlyn challenges. She knows what answer she’s looking for and she’s not going to stop until she hears it.

 

“The company was my mom’s,” Ali begins as tears form in her eyes. “She wanted me to keep it going for her.”

 

“I know that, baby,” Ashlyn says, her voice gentler than it has been. “But I knew your mom too and I know that she never, ever would have wanted you to put it before the kids or me, for that matter.”

 

“You don’t understand. I’m going to sleep in the guest room.”

 

Ali leaves the room without another word, leaving Ashlyn too stunned and upset to follow.

 

* * *

 

**IV. storm before the calm**

 

Ali sleeps in the guest room for two weeks, only returning to her and Ashlyn’s room when she needs clothes or beauty products from their bathroom. Slowly, all of her stuff disappears from their closet and bathroom and into the guest room.

 

Ashlyn didn’t think it was possible but Ali works more than ever over those two weeks. They’ve hardly said five words to each other during that time and when Ali returns to their bedroom to get more of her stuff one evening, Ashlyn can’t take it anymore.

 

“So is this what we’re doing now? Living in separate rooms and not speaking to each other?”

 

“I don’t know what to say to you,” Ali snaps. “Apparently I’m not good enough for you anymore.”

 

“Jesus, Al, when did I ever say that?” Ashlyn asks, more than a little bite to her tone. “You are everything to me but that doesn’t mean you’ve made it easy on me recently.”

 

“Yeah, well, if you hadn’t noticed, it’s been really fucking difficult for me too. I’m doing everything I can to keep my head above water. I’m providing for you and the kids and running my mom’s company just like she wanted.”

 

“She never would’ve wanted this for us and you know that. You think she would’ve wanted for you to ignore your family? For us to sleep in different bedrooms like random housemates and for you to work 70 plus hours a week? That’s a fucking cop out and you know it.”

 

“I don’t know what more you want from me,” Ali shrugs.

 

“I want _you_.” Now Ashlyn has lost all of her patience. “Damnit, Ali, can’t you see what this is doing to us? To our kids? We need you and when I say that, I don’t mean we need this version of you that’s never around and checked out most of the time when she is around. We need the real you. The you before your mom died.”

 

For a moment, Ali looks like she’s going to bolt again, looks like she’s going to retreat to the safety of the guest room without another word. After a few moments of silence, she finally breaks down and buries her head in her hands. “Working her company makes me feel like she’s still here. It makes me feel close to her.”

 

Ashlyn scoots closer to Ali and puts a comforting hand on her back, rubbing gently. “She’s gone, Al,” she says gently. “I get it, I really do, but if you keep going like this, you’re gonna lose me and the kids too.”

 

At this, Ali snaps her head up and shrugs away from Ashlyn’s touch like she’s been burned. “What does that mean? You’re gonna leave and take the kids? You can’t do that. But I guess if none of this matters to you anymore…”

 

“None of this matters to me anymore?” Ashlyn snaps. “Ali, I’m the one trying to salvage whatever is left. I’m the one trying to give us a fighting chance but you won’t listen to me and there’s only so much more I can take. God, Al, separating is the last thing on Earth I would want but I can’t keep doing this.”

 

While Ashlyn has always hoped it wouldn’t get to that point, it is something she’s considered in the last few months. She can’t keep going like this. If Ali won’t change, Ashlyn can’t stay. She can’t be with someone who puts minimal effort into the family they built together and who refuses to get the help she needs.

 

That’s the hardest part. She knows that this isn’t who Ali really is. She knows that when Ali tries, she’s a wonderful mom, an amazing wife. The Ali she knows and loves is still in there and it’s the only reason she hasn’t already walked away. She just needs to convince Ali to get help, to stop running away from her feelings and face them head on.

 

“Those girls adore you but they can’t keep begging for your attention and neither can I and Gavin is never going to get to know you. The kids might be young but they’re not dumb and this is hurting them. You know, I was about Ro’s age when I realized that my grandparents were the ones with my best interests in mind and it took _years_ to repair my relationship with my parents. I don’t want that for you and our kids.”

 

Ali doesn’t say anything but for once, Ashlyn knows she’s getting through to her. She takes her wife’s hands into her own and holds on tight.

 

“You know, the other day Everett came home from preschool with a drawing. They were supposed to draw their families but guess what? You’re not in the drawing at all. There’s me and Rowan and Everett and Gavin. When I asked her where you were she said you were at work as that's why she had a frown in the picture because she was sad you weren't there. _That’s_ what this is doing to the kids.”

 

“She really said that?” Ali asks, her voice cracking.

 

Ashlyn nods. She didn’t plan on telling Ali this story because she knew it would hurt but if it’s the thing that finally gets through to her, then maybe it’ll help in the long run. “She wanted me to put it on the fridge but I couldn’t look at it knowing what she said. So it put it in a drawer and asked her to draw another one with all of us in it.”

 

“Can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m, uh…” Ali pauses for a moment, unsure of what to say. “This is a lot and I need to think about things.”

 

“Are we actually going to talk tomorrow or are you going to be off to work before I wake up and home after I’m in bed?”

 

“I’m gonna take the day off.”

 

“Okay.” She takes Ali’s hand into her own and meets her wife’s eyes. “Please don’t think that I said any of this to hurt you. I love you and I want what’s best for you and our family. I don’t want to get to the point where our relationship can never recover.”

 

“I understand,” Ali nods. “But that doesn’t make it easier to hear. I need to sleep on it.”

 

“Goodnight, Al, I love you.”

 

Hearing this brings tears to Ali’s eyes, which Ashlyn wipes away with her thumbs. It’s something Ashlyn has said thousands of times in the last fourteen years but right now, it means more than it ever has. Despite all she’s put her through, Ashlyn still loves her and wants to make things right. It’s been over two weeks since she spent more than a minute in the same room as her wife and hearing those words makes her realized just how much she’s missed them, how much she’s missed Ashlyn. “I love you too. I love you so much.”  

 

* * *

 

  **V. can’t seem to hold you like I want to**

 

Ashlyn’s words run through Ali’s mind all night. As she tries to process everything, there’s only one question in her mind: how did this happen?

 

How did they get to the point where they fall asleep with over a foot of space in between them? How did she get to the point that instead of talking things through she goes to sleep in the guest room? How did it get to the point where she’s not included in their kids’ drawings of the family?

 

It’s not that she doesn’t love Ashlyn or the kids. Just the opposite, actually. But her mom’s death affected her in a way that she can’t quite put into words. If she did put it into words, it would go something like this: it completely broke her. When her mom died, it felt like she took a piece of her and the only thing that kept her going was staying connected to the company. Combined with postpartum depression, work was the only thing that made her feel somewhat whole.

 

In the process of losing her mom, she forgot how to be a mom herself. She forgot how important the small moments were. Sure, she made it in time for Rowan’s recital but she didn’t spend hours watching her rehearse like Ashlyn did. She didn’t take the kids on excursions to area Target stores to find the required costume. She doesn’t watch their favorite shows with them or play tea parties. Hell, she hardly even sees them more than ten minutes a day.

 

She convinced herself that she was still playing her part by providing for the family, by keeping the business growing just as her mom wanted. She and Ashlyn give the kids everything they could need. They have a beautiful six bedroom home in Arlington and the kids go to some of the best schools in the area. But Ali now realizes that she hasn’t been giving them the most important thing: herself. She’s failing them and she’s failing Ashlyn and, though she doesn’t want to admit it, she’s failing herself and her mom in the process.

 

Ashlyn was right, Ali’s mom never would have wanted Ali to put the company before her family. In fact, her philosophy of family before work was the reason Ali and Kyle were so close to her in the first place. She never doubted her mom’s love or devotion and it kills her that she’s put those doubts in her own kids’ heads.

 

It kills her that she’s pushed Ashlyn to the point of being ready to walk away.

 

She doesn’t go back to the guest room that night and for the first night in a long time, she cuddles close behind Ashlyn and holds her close. This was always one of their preferred sleeping positions, even in their king size bed, but recently, it’s felt unfamiliar and uncomfortable, physical evidence of their emotional distance.

 

“I’ll try to be better,” Ali whispers, pressing a kiss to Ashlyn’s shoulder as Ashlyn sleeps.

 

She can’t fall asleep.

 

No matter how hard she tries to turn her mind off, she can’t seem to fall asleep. Most days, she’s so exhausted from running on just a few hours’ sleep that she nearly passes out as soon as she allows herself to close her eyes. Tonight, however, sleep doesn’t come.

 

Around 3:00 in the morning, she gives up on sleep altogether and instead tiptoes down the hall and into Gavin’s room. She takes him out of his crib and when he starts to stir a little, she shushes and rocks him.

 

As she rocks back and forth with him in the rocking chair, she realizes that there's hardly a connection there and it's no one’s fault but her own. She didn't spend hours rocking and cuddling him like she did with his big sisters and she never really nursed him, instead pumping and leaving bottles for Ashlyn or the babysitter. He wakes slowly at the movements and stares up at Ali with his big brown eyes. When it becomes clear that he's not going back to sleep, Ali sheds her top and attempts to nurse.

 

He's never really been breastfed but he gets the hang of it fairly quickly and clutches Ali’s hand as he fills his belly. “That's my boy,” Ali grins. “Grandma would've loved you, you know. She didn't get to meet you but she knew about you and she was so, so excited to have a grandson. She picked your name. Mama and I weren’t too sure about it at first but she picked it and it was important to us to let her pick. I wonder if she knows how well it fits you.” She studies the drowsy boy’s face, all the features that run so strong in the family. He’s a beautiful baby, just like his big sisters, and she feels like she hasn’t really seen him until this moment.

 

She continues talking to him, telling him stories about his grandma until they both drift off to sleep in the rocking chair.

 

~

 

Ashlyn is woken as she is most mornings: by Rowan and Everett jumping into bed with her, excited and ready to start their day.

 

“Morning, girls,” Ashlyn grins.

 

“Mommy is naked,” Everett giggles.

 

“Is she in the shower?”

 

“No, she's with Gavin,” Rowan answers. “Come look.”

 

Ashlyn follows the girls to Gavin's room and, sure enough, there's Ali cuddled with Gavin without her shirt on. Ashlyn quietly opens the curtains, causing Gavin to stir.

 

With Gavin growing restless in her arms, Ali opens her eyes to find Ashlyn, Rowan, and Everett watching her curiously. “I must've fallen asleep after he finished nursing,” she explains. This explanation is way less interesting to Rowan and Everett than whatever they were expecting so they go to Rowan’s room to play together before breakfast.

 

“Nursing?” Ashlyn questions, an eyebrow raised. It's not that she doesn't believe Ali, it's just that it's unexpected and unusual.

 

Ali stands to change Gavin’s diaper, smiling appreciatively as Ashlyn tosses her shirt to her. “I couldn't sleep so I came in here to hold him. He was a little fussy so I decided to nurse.”

 

“Well I'll be damned,” Ashlyn teases. “I'll go start breakfast.”

 

This morning’s breakfast consists of French toast and fresh strawberries and requires Ali and Ashlyn to wipe the kids down before letting them run off to play which is always the sign of a good breakfast in their house.

 

With the kids occupied, the couple sits at the table with coffee to finish their talk from the previous night.

 

“I don't want you to leave me,” Ali starts. “I know I haven't been the wife or mom you guys deserve but I don't want it to come to that.”

 

“I don't want it to come to that either but, if I'm honest, I can't say that I haven't considered it. I know that we can get back to where we were. I still believe in us. But I can’t lie, this last year has been difficult. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. We hardly ever talk and when we do, it feels like you’re more focused on work than on me. Like a few weeks ago when you were on your laptop in bed, all I wanted was to spend time with you and you would hardly even look at me. It never used to be like that.”

 

Ali sucks in a deep breath, the knowledge that she pushed Ashlyn so far weighing heavy on her mind. “No, it never used to be like that at all,” she agrees. “We used to stay up all night talking. Well, until we had kids but I think that’s a pretty normal change. I do want that again. I don’t like feeling distant from you any more than you like feeling distant from me.” She takes Ashlyn’s hand across the table, brushing her thumb over Ashlyn’s wedding ring. “I, uh, I realized last night that when I lost my mom, the kids lost me and that's not fair to them or to you. I love what I do but, you're right, it never should've come between us as a family. I’m just not sure where to start to repair the damage or how to even be me again, really.”

 

“There’s not a magic solution, Ali. It didn’t happen overnight and it’s not going away overnight. But I think a good start would be to spend less time working and more time with us. You have an incredibly competent staff of people, some of whom have worked there longer than you have. You don’t need to oversee every event your company does and we certainly aren’t hurting for money. I think it would help to start planning Gavin’s first birthday party. It’ll help you ease into scaling back and you can include the girls which I know they’ll love.”

 

“I love that idea,” Ali grins. Truthfully, she hasn’t thought much about Gavin’s first birthday party because she doesn’t want to accept that her mom has been gone a year but planning a party to celebrate during that time will probably help her take her mind off of the anniversary.

 

“Hold on, I’m not done,” Ashlyn says. “I think you need to see a therapist. I know better than anyone just how much they help. I mean, shit, I still go twice a month. You need to deal with your mom’s death and with how you felt after having Gavin or nothing will get better.”

 

“Can I have time to think about it? I get what you’re saying but I’m scared.”

 

This is the first time Ali has agreed to even think about therapy and as much as Ashlyn wants an immediate agreement, she decides not to push it. “Sure. When you’re ready, you can come with me for a session and we’ll go from there.”

 

“Can I take you on a date?” Ali asks, her voice quiet as if she’s afraid of the answer. “For Valentine’s day?”

 

“Don’t you have a big event that day?”

 

“The company does but like you said, I don’t need to oversee every damn thing. I need to take my wife out on a date.”

 

“I’ll never turn that down,” Ashlyn grins.

 

* * *

 

**VI. this love we’ve been working on**

 

The week leading up to Valentine’s Day is a vast improvement over the last year. It’s not perfect yet and Ali still needs to remind herself to leave her devices in the other room when they eat dinner but they do eat dinner as a family five nights that week which is more than in the previous two weeks combined.

 

The change in the kids is obvious. Rowan and Everett are thrilled to have their Mommy home more and are even more thrilled when Ali takes them on a special shopping trip to find a Valentine’s Day present for Ashlyn. They’ve always adored Ali and when she’s happy, the girls are happy. The biggest change, however, is in Gavin and Ali’s relationship.

 

After their middle of the night bonding session, Ali makes it a point to nurse him at least once, if not twice, a day. Instead of pumping, she begins nursing him in the morning before she heads to work and, if he’s still awake when she gets home, in the evening before bed.

 

The bond develops almost immediately. If Ashlyn is the first one he sees in the morning, he starts whining for Ali, wanting to be fed. When this happens on a day Ali has taken off, Ashlyn doesn’t want to wake her and attempts to give him cereal and his sippy cup of already pumped milk for breakfast. It’s what he usually eats but now, nothing is good enough for him. He wants what only his Mommy can give and the way that only she can give it. Luckily, Ali comes into the kitchen before Ashlyn can get him out of his high chair to take him upstairs.

 

“Little man is hungry and apparently his sippy cup isn’t good enough for him anymore. He wants the boob,” Ashlyn says as she continues unbuckling the fussy boy. She passes him to Ali and moves around the kitchen to get Rowan and Everett’s lunches ready for school. Ali, meanwhile, sits down on one of the stools at the island and nurses Gavin.

 

It makes Ashlyn’s heart melt.

 

This is the Ali she knows and loves. This is the relationship she wants for Ali and their kids. Ali might be forming her bond with Gavin a little later in his life than she formed her bond with Rowan and Everett but it’s developing beautifully and Ashlyn can see just how Gavin thrives on the special time with Mommy.

 

Ashlyn has a few appointments that morning but Ali took the entire day off so she takes over school drop-off and stays home with Gavin instead of taking him to the sitter’s. When she returns home with Gavin for the day, she realizes she doesn’t know what to do with herself. It’s been so long since she gave herself a moment to think that a day home alone with only one kid feels like a daunting task.

 

Ultimately, she decides to get invites out for Gavin’s first birthday party. She hasn’t planned much for it yet but they did pick a date and considering it’s just over a month away, she needs to at least send out social media invites, especially for people like Kyle and Ashlyn’s family who would need to make arrangements to come to DC that weekend. Unfortunately, creating a facebook event doesn’t take nearly as long as she anticipated and when it’s finished, she still has a few hours before Ashlyn comes home.

 

Instead of running from her feelings like she has been for the last year, Ali decides to face them head on by bringing out photo albums of her mom. Both Rowan and Everett have their own special photo books of pictures of them with her so Ali decides to start with those.

 

“This is your grandma,” Ali says, holding Gavin on her lap as she points to a picture of her mom holding a newborn Rowan. “That’s when your big sissy was born. God, was she excited to be a grandma. She absolutely adored Ro. I swear, Mama and I didn’t have to buy any clothes for your big sisters until she died because she bought them a bunch of stuff with every new season.” She flips through Rowan’s book, the memories associated with each of the photos coming back to her.

 

With the anniversary exactly a week away, Ali struggles to make it through the two photo books but more than anything, she wishes there were a third one for Gavin. She wishes the two could have met, that her mom could have met the grandson she was so excited about. But it wasn’t to be and now the best thing Ali can do is keep her memory alive so the kids know how much their grandma loved them. The best way to keep her memory alive is to live by her philosophy of family first, work second. Otherwise, she’s going to lose Ashlyn and the kids.

 

As difficult as it is, Ali makes it through both photo books and puts them back where they go. By now, it’s time for Gavin’s nap so she rocks him to sleep and gently lowers him into his crib and turns her attention to finding the perfect dress for her Valentine’s date with Ashlyn the next night.

 

She can’t remember the last time they went on a date so she makes sure to pick the perfect dress (and the perfect undergarments) for their night out.

 

~

 

The restaurant Ali picked has great meaning to the couple. It always seemed to be the place they picked when they had something to celebrate: after they got engaged, after Ashlyn’s last day of grad school, and when they learned they were expecting Rowan. It’s been a long time since they were last here but it feels like the perfect place to celebrate their new start.

 

Seeing Ali in her tight black dress has Ashlyn feeling like a nervous 18 year old again. It’s been so long since they’ve done this that she might as well be her nervous 18 year old self. Hell, recently they’ve just been glorified roommates and this feels more like a first date than a date with her wife of seven years.

 

They don’t talk about what’s been happening to their relationship for the last year. They don’t talk about their plans to move forward, to rebuild what has been slowly burning to the ground. They just talk. They talk about nearly everything: their days, funny things the kids said, plans for Gavin’s birthday party, long ignored inside jokes and the memories that made them the people and couple they are. They briefly talk current events, though they mostly stick to personal matters because current events are terrifying and definitely not the kind of romantic Valentine’s conversation they’re looking for.

 

When their Uber drops them off at home, they stumble into the house together, more than a little tipsy, and pay the babysitter before heading up to their bedroom to continue their night. Mercifully, all three kids are already asleep so there are no interruptions as they reconnect in the most intimate of ways.

 

When they finish, Ashlyn rests with her hands behind her head and sighs contentedly. “You know, I was thinking that you forgot how to do that. I was wrong.”

 

“Please,” Ali scoffs. “I know exactly what you like.”

 

“Yeah, well, it's not too difficult because I mostly like you.”

 

“What a coincidence, I like you too,” Ali laughs. She curls up next to Ashlyn, resting her head on her chest. For a moment, she listens to the steady thrum of Ashlyn’s heartbeat, really taking the time to appreciate that Ashlyn's presence has been a constant in her life for the last fourteen years. She may have come close to losing her wife but she's genuinely trying and she hopes they're moving in the right direction. “Are we… are we okay?” she questions.

 

“I'd say we’re getting there,” Ashlyn replies, to Ali’s great relief. “But just like it wasn't broken in a week, it's not going to be fixed in a week. It's a start and I think we're on the right track.”

 

“Good, I'm glad. I really, really love you and I don't want to lose you. I never wanted to push you away like that. I never wanted any of this to happen,” She starts crying and molds herself into Ashlyn’s embrace as she lets her emotions out.

 

It's going to take a lot of work but she's determined to make things right.

 

* * *

  

**VII. nobody’s gonna come and save you**

 

Ali barely makes it through the anniversary.

 

She and Ashlyn both take the day off of work and, as fate would have it, both Rowan and Everett get the day off of school due to an unexpected snowstorm.

 

Just like the weeks following this day a year ago, Ali doesn't get out of bed much. She can't help it, she really can't, but she does at least let herself feel instead of hiding from her emotions. Ashlyn and the kids check on her throughout the day but they mostly leave her to herself, giving her the time and space to grieve.

 

She never got to grieve a year ago.

 

A year ago, as her mom was in the final stages of life, she was in the final stages of her pregnancy. A year ago, she barely had time to put a funeral together before she was expected to somehow switch gears and focus on welcoming a new child into the world. Just weeks before she was supposed to form an unbreakable bond with her baby, she lost that same bond with her own mom.

 

She didn’t know how to go on. Worse, she wasn’t even sure she wanted to.

 

After dinner, which Ali sits at the table for but doesn’t eat, Rowan comes up to the master bedroom. She doesn’t say anything at first and simply settles into bed with Ali. She studies Ali for a moment before she finally speaks. “Mommy, are you sad about grandma? Mama said that’s why you’re sad.”

 

“Yeah, baby, I’m really sad. I miss her a lot. Do you remember her at all?”

 

“Yeah, she made really good cookies and sometimes she even let me have some before dinner,” Rowan says.

 

“Oh, she’s lucky Mama and I never knew about that,” Ali laughs. “No wonder you and your sister were always so hyper after she watched you. But you’re right, she did make really good cookies. Maybe we’ll use her recipe to make cookies for Gavin’s birthday party.”

 

“Do you know what make you feel better?”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“If we watch Trolls,” Rowan suggests. “It always works when Gavin cries.”

 

Ali is almost positive that it won’t make her feel better but what might make her feel better is time spent with the four most important people in her life. “You know what, I think you might be right. How about you go get everyone we’ll watch it in here.”

 

Rowan’s eyes light up at the possibility of a family movie night. “Really? You’ll watch too?”

 

It breaks Ali’s heart that she even has to ask that question. She pulls her daughter close and presses a lingering kiss to the top of her head, breathing in the fruity scent of her shampoo. “Of course I’ll watch, baby. Have Mama bring some snacks; I’m hungry.”

 

“It’s because you didn’t eat your dinner.”

 

With that, Rowan runs off to gather everyone and just a few minutes later, Ali is surrounded by all three kids and her wife. There’s so, so much love in the room and although it’s still a hard day for her, she feels much better now that her family surrounds her.

 

They don’t talk much during the movie but the kids all seem to know that Ali needs a little (or a lot of) extra love today so they take turns cuddling her and doing silly dances during the songs to make her smile. When the kids all pass out shortly before the end, Ashlyn finally asks the question she’s been waiting to ask all day. “How are you feeling?” she questions.

 

“Sad,” Ali answers. “But at least I’m letting myself feel. Even as recently as two weeks ago, I figured the only way I would get through today would be to work all day and not give myself time to think. It hurts but I’m learning that it’s better than the alternative.”

 

“It’s definitely a step,” Ashlyn says. She shifts a little so she can see Ali better which is somewhat of a challenge with Gavin asleep in her arms. Ali is holding a sleeping Everett while Rowan snoozes at the foot of the bed facing the TV.

 

It might seem silly but part of Ali wonders if the snowstorm was her mom’s doing. Though her mom hated the snow, she valued family time above all else and there's nothing Ali needed more today than the love of her kids and wife.

 

Ali looks around at their sleeping kids and feels an overwhelming sense of love for these tiny humans. With how absent she’s been over the last year, she doesn’t feel as if she deserves the immense love they show her. She wasn’t there for them like she should have been yet here they are, surrounding her with love on an incredibly difficult day.

 

“What are you thinking?” Ashlyn questions. She can see the emotion on her wife’s face and she knows Ali needs to talk about it.

 

“Do you ever wonder how so much love fits in such small bodies? They probably haven’t understood much of what has happened in this last year--maybe Ro has a little--but they definitely didn’t understand why I wasn’t around as much as I should have been and I know that must have hurt them yet they’ve been so ready to shower me with love again. I don’t deserve them and I don’t deserve you.”

 

“Al,” Ashlyn begins gently, “all they--all I--ever wanted was you. Of course we were waiting for you with open arms. I know how tricky all of this can be and you need to understand that it’s not your fault. There needed to be a change, yes, but you were doing something that kept you going until you were ready to deal with everything. We’re all still right here and as long as you’re making an effort, I’ll be here to support you no matter what.”

 

“I am trying,” Ali says.

 

“I know, and it shows. I mean, just look at your relationship with the kids. I know Gavin loves his Mommy time and the girls adore you as much as they ever have. There’s still a lot of work to do and it’s not going to be easy but the kids and I are all right here.” She shifts her grip on Gavin a little so she can take Ali’s hand, squeezing it tight. “Have you thought more about therapy? There isn’t a magic solution and certainly no one is going to be able to help if you don’t want the help but I think you would really benefit from it.”

 

“You said I could come with you for the first appointment?”

 

Ashlyn nods. “Only if you want. We could do it together but I still think it’ll help if you try it alone too.”

 

“I think for the first session I’ll want you there with me. I’ll want your support.”

 

“And I would love to be there to support you. How about we look at our schedules tomorrow and figure out when we can go together? I’ll give her a heads up that you’ll be coming too.”

 

* * *

 

**VIII. baby, you’re the only light I ever saw**

 

Ashlyn was right. Therapy isn’t easy. It’s not easy and Ali has to talk about some very difficult things. But she’s committed to Ashlyn and their family so she visits the therapist by herself three times a month and once a month she and Ashlyn go together.

 

The progress makes it all worth it. Slowly, Ali feels herself coming back to life as she works through these hard moments.

 

Before her mom died, Rowan and Everett were the lights of her life. Even when she was pregnant with Gavin with the knowledge that her mom’s battle wouldn't last long, she always thought that he would be yet another source of light in the darkness but things didn’t quite work out that way.

 

Instead of finding light in the darkness, the darkness enveloped Ali, blocking out any source of light.

 

She soon learned that work was the only thing that made her at least feel okay. She would start every morning at her mom’s desk (now hers) and feel her presence washing over her. In those moments, it was easy to forget. For a long time, she thought that this new normal was actually working. She was providing for the family and that knowledge helped ease her guilt over not spending enough time with her family (though she knows that with Ashlyn’s income, she could take less than a quarter of her current salary and they would be more than okay).

 

In his first eleven months of life, she count on both hands how many times she actually nursed Gavin. That is bonding time she can never get back but what she can do is make the best of the time and care she now takes to spend those special moments with him.

 

She should’ve known that Ashlyn and the kids were the light in the darkness. Steady, loving Ashlyn is a pillar of emotional support unlike anything Ali has ever known and has stuck by Ali during the hardest days, the hardest year of her life. Bright, kind Rowan is one of the gentlest souls Ali has ever met. Funny, unpredictable Everett keeps them on their toes in the best (and sometimes worst) ways, always lighting up the room with her charm and humor. Calm and easygoing, Gavin is a parent’s dream and the perfect balance to his big sisters. Each one is their own source of light in Ali’s world and she is so incredibly lucky to have them.

 

Even when she’s finally worked through the feelings surrounding her mom’s death and the postpartum depression that followed Gavin’s birth, Ali continues going to therapy, albeit less frequently than before.

 

The summer after Gavin’s third birthday, things are good. The family is closer than ever and although she still loves her job, she loves her family more. She works shorter hours during the week and no longer works on weekends unless it’s an emergency (and she’s pretty stringent on what she considers an emergency). Weekends are for family time. They’re for dinner dates with Ashlyn where they drink too much wine and come home tipsy and have to remind each other to be quiet during sex. They’re for the kids’ activities and for quick one or two night trips to whatever location they choose.

 

Things are really good but there’s one thing weighing on Ali’s mind: she wants another baby.

 

She thinks about it for months and even talks about it with the therapist a few times so by the time she finally brings it up to Ashlyn, there’s almost nothing that can change her mind.

 

She decides to bring it up during one of their dinner dates when she’s already two glasses of wine in and feeling a little braver than normal. Though they spoke before about having four kids, she knows that Ashlyn’s stance on the topic likely changed after what followed Gavin’s birth.

 

“Wait, are you serious?” Ashlyn questions.

 

Ali nods, holding eye contact. “I can’t help it, I want another one. But if you don’t want another then just forget I said anything, I guess.”

 

“I’m not saying I don’t want another baby. I’m just…are you sure? I know there were other factors last time but do you really want to put yourself through that again? We’re finally in a great place and I just worry that you’re gonna struggle after again.”

 

“I probably will struggle,” Ali admits. “It happened a little with Rowan and it happened with Gavin though it obviously a lot of it was that my mom died. But we know this time, right? I still go to therapy and if it seems like I need more help after then I’ll go however often I need to go. But I do really want another baby. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky like after Everett was born.” When a minute passes without response, Ali takes Ashlyn’s hand across the table. “Say something.”

 

“I want another baby too. I mean, that was always kind of the plan but I worry about you.”

 

“I appreciate that but I’ll be okay. I won’t put you through all that again.”

 

“It’s not about me,” Ashlyn says. “But if you’re sure then I would love for us to have another baby.”

 

~

 

Baby Sloane Aileen joins her big sisters and brother the following summer, exactly a month before Ali’s birthday. Sloane’s middle name has a lot of meaning for Ali. She, like the older kids, is a source of light for her loving moms so it was important to Ali to somehow incorporate that into her name. Aileen, which means ‘bright, shining light’ perfectly fits that criteria.

 

Luckily, Ali’s emotions following her birth are about as steady as anyone’s after giving birth and she’s able to enjoy the special moments with her family. Sometimes, Ali feels guilty that she missed out on these moments the last time. She missed out on a lot of really important moments that she can’t get back.

 

Maybe that’s part of the reason why she wanted to have another baby. Maybe part of her wanted another chance, another opportunity to get it right like she did with Rowan and Everett. She certainly prefers these memories of bringing a new child into the world to the ones that accompanied Gavin’s birth.

 

One night, when everything is quiet and the oldest three kids are all in bed, Ali cradles week old Sloane in front of her, basking in the moment.

 

“Another beautiful baby,” Ashlyn says, kissing her wife’s cheek.

 

“Yeah, I think we’ll keep her,” Ali replies. “It makes me realize how much I missed with Gav.”

 

Ashlyn wraps her arm around Ali’s shoulder, pulling her as close as she can without disturbing the baby. “You can’t worry about that now. I don't hold it against you and, most importantly, he doesn't hold it against you. You are a wonderful mom and that relatively short period of our lives doesn't define who you are as a mom any more than it defines you as a person.”

 

“Thank you for staying by my side. I know it must've been frustrating for you.”

 

“I just wanted my wife back is all,” Ashlyn says. “I'm thankful it's all behind us now and that we have this new little nugget to enjoy.”

 

“The best little nugget,” Ali grins. “You think she can hang with her wild older siblings?”

 

“She's gonna have to learn. Lucky for her, she has two of the best moms in the world.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> An 11k+ fic all because they went to a damn John Mayer concert and I was inspired to write something based on my favorite song of his ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this one even though it was super angsty. But, hey, at least I didn't torture you by making each heading an individual chapter and dragging it out ;) 
> 
> As always, I'd love to know your thoughts!


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